I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
