When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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