For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
