Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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