The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
The ass gains better be worth it
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