How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
