Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I need to stop coming to work sober
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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