haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
