I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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