im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
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