Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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