I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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