you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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