I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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