he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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