alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize