How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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