who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
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