Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
