someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
