You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Randomize
