they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize