Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
