My ATM looks so different sober.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
