Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
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