i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
When are your genitals available?
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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