The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Randomize
