Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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