I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Randomize
