Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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