she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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