I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Randomize
