Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
