my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
