Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Randomize
