Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
