Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
He did a backflip because drugs
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
