I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
