there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
