Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Randomize
