After last night, I could never be a politician.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
