Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
