he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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