if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
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