dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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