btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
