i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
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