you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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