matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
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