I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
