did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize