Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
