my sisters under your porch take her home
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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