Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Randomize
