I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
