happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Never joke about your clitoris.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
