I am in a vortex of obligation.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
