Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Randomize