I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Floor bacon is actually really good
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
