so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Drunk is a universal language darling
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