weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
