If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
