I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
