All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
