Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I AM VODKA MAN
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
