I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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