so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
