Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Randomize
